You can buy a bank’s attention to bespoke needs by bringing it deposits, but it takes a lot more money than I have. Or you can buy a trivial number of shares of the bank and call Investor Relations if you have any problems.

This is one of many fun hacks I picked up over the years as an unpaid advocate for people with routine banking issues. Customer Service might fob off a retiree who wants a NSF fee reversed. Investor Relations, on the other hand, is socialized to guess that anyone calling it is more likely to be a pension fund manager and less likely to be a pension fund beneficiary. And so they can use very free calendars, no managed-to-the-minute-CS-drone quota, and substantial organizational heft to escalate things to any department on your behalf, with the implicit endorsement that Capitalism Called And It Requires You Resolve This Immediately.

Banking in very uncertain times
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